So yeah. Before Thanksgiving break, Maggie and I got a lil tipsy and had some very wild sex. This sex was also facilitated by Louie going out with two friends. So we are being very loud and apparently at one point, Louie came home to get his keys to take the friends home. Or so we thought.
The next morning, we come to find out that Louie AND both his friends had come in. One of the friends had gotten drunk and had to pee (or throw up?) and was taking forever. Meanwhile, Louie and the girl he wants to date were in the living room waiting. And the walls are paper thin.
Now Louie teases me that I make bird calls instead of sex noises. *palmforehead*
Two nights ago, we had sex in my bed (because the roomie I share a room with was gone) and Maggie came twice. :-)
And last night? I squirted. Without cumming. WTF body? As if it's not rare enough for a woman to be able to squirt....how rare is it to squirt without cumming? *sigh*
It really does make me feel like I must be doing something wrong. I said something similar last night after I squirted and Maggie has been trying to reassure me that it's probably just my meds because I am doing everything right from her perspective.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
I have run out of titles...
Maggie had the best orgasm of her life last night. It went on and on...probably 15-30 seconds long (I'm bad with guessing times). My lucky, lucky girl.
No success for me in the orgasm department though. I've started wondering what's wrong with my freaking body, but instead of worry about it, I've been reading all I can about orgasms. I just want to have one goddamnit! It's sorta that feeling like everyone's at a party, but you can't get in cuz all the doors are locked. Or something. That was a ridiculous analogy and I apologize.
And I want to strangle Louie. He's such a goddamn blasted idiot child. Here's the thing...I like him in small doses. But I like most of her friends better than that....I could stand to spend whole days with Lynn and Jerry or George. Her family makes me so happy and they already seem to love me (they've pretty much said as much to Maggie) and I feel very comfortable with them even if I don't always talk as much when Maggie's not around.
But Louie....I don't like that he thinks he can walk all over Maggie and that she's going to take it. She's made it clear that she won't stand for it, but she does sometimes bend to his will which in the examples I've seen, I don't think they are all that healthy. And he does stupid childish things like put pennies in her underwear or pull her pants and underwear down to moon people that infuriate me because they are a complete lack of respect for boundaries. Not to mention how it really makes me not trust him. *shudder*
No success for me in the orgasm department though. I've started wondering what's wrong with my freaking body, but instead of worry about it, I've been reading all I can about orgasms. I just want to have one goddamnit! It's sorta that feeling like everyone's at a party, but you can't get in cuz all the doors are locked. Or something. That was a ridiculous analogy and I apologize.
And I want to strangle Louie. He's such a goddamn blasted idiot child. Here's the thing...I like him in small doses. But I like most of her friends better than that....I could stand to spend whole days with Lynn and Jerry or George. Her family makes me so happy and they already seem to love me (they've pretty much said as much to Maggie) and I feel very comfortable with them even if I don't always talk as much when Maggie's not around.
But Louie....I don't like that he thinks he can walk all over Maggie and that she's going to take it. She's made it clear that she won't stand for it, but she does sometimes bend to his will which in the examples I've seen, I don't think they are all that healthy. And he does stupid childish things like put pennies in her underwear or pull her pants and underwear down to moon people that infuriate me because they are a complete lack of respect for boundaries. Not to mention how it really makes me not trust him. *shudder*
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I have brain issues....
Okay, I'm going to start out this entry by saying....last night, I watched the last fourth of season 1 of Metalocalypse last night and that shit makes my brain all jumbled. So if I start writing like English is my second language...it's not.
Last night was amazing and tiring. Maggie and I were going at it in my room (which was hot in the first place cuz I share a room so we don't get to have fun in there very often) and I was SO close for SO long that I nearly passed out. Seriously, I was at the plateau for 10-15 minutes, but it felt like even longer than that. Maggie thought she was going to lose a finger to my...squeezing. *palmface* We had to stop because 1) my clit was numb from my vibrator and 2) we were going to George's to watch Heroes.
Louie was being an asshat again. Seriously, he needs to cut out his immature bullcrap because it's really annoying to me. And George. And Maggie.
Last night was amazing and tiring. Maggie and I were going at it in my room (which was hot in the first place cuz I share a room so we don't get to have fun in there very often) and I was SO close for SO long that I nearly passed out. Seriously, I was at the plateau for 10-15 minutes, but it felt like even longer than that. Maggie thought she was going to lose a finger to my...squeezing. *palmface* We had to stop because 1) my clit was numb from my vibrator and 2) we were going to George's to watch Heroes.
Louie was being an asshat again. Seriously, he needs to cut out his immature bullcrap because it's really annoying to me. And George. And Maggie.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I have actual conversations...
...like this:
"Your face smells like vagina."
"No, your face smells like vagina."
"Vagina-face!!"
"Your face smells like vagina."
"No, your face smells like vagina."
"Vagina-face!!"
Thursday, November 8, 2007
I have frustrations.....
For one, I'm still on my journey to orgasm. This is frustrating for a number of reasons.
For another, I am getting the feeling like Maggie's friends don't always respect her, minus two of the guys, and that is really upsetting to me. I am so super loyal that perhaps I am holding them to unattainable standards. But between the disregard for her request to keep her sister off the board and her roommate demanding that I not spend the night most weekends (even though she pays more rent than him, pays entirely for the internet they both use, pays for most of the food, etc), it just seems very disrespectful of her feelings.
A third is that it seems Amanda's boyfriend has done something shitty yet again. Like, part of me realizes that he is a really great guy and that Amanda is like me in that we can both overreact, so perhaps she is just overreacting? But at the same time, I feel like she probably isn't...she's a lot more stable than me and the stuff I have heard about from her has been rather crappy. Time will tell.
Fourth, I keep thinking I have exams when I don't. This leads me to studying like crazy, then showing up to class and being extremely disappointed. I mean, that means all of next week will look like this week did. BLEH.
Fifth is some of the crappy things people said when we were talking about dating violence in my Women and Crimes class. It's two days later, but it's still bugging me. It's weird too because one of my roommates said similar things just the day before (of the "god, if a guy ever hit me, i'd be out of there so fast" kind) and all I could do was busy myself with chores in the kitchen. Yeah, so no one has ever gone so far as to hit me in a relationship, but I have been raped and I went on more dates with him, I have been used for sex, I have been used to fill the self-esteem void in the case of Dorothy....and so....when people say those things, they are hurtful. Cuz it's not like I don't already feel bad enough about the mistakes I've made. And because it comes off as victim blaming because "obviously" I should have left these people....but honestly, it wasn't that easy. I was scared, I was hurting, I had little to no self-esteem....and I wish more people could be empathetic to that.
That said, I had a really good discussion with George. He's one of Maggie's friends who I feel like is very respectful of her feelings and he let me talk to him about the roommate situation and gave out some pretty damn good advice. On top of that, he's been helping in my journey to orgasm by offering suggestions of things to try. I finally told him about the rape and how that factors in....and he was so empathetic and just....he told me he didn't know what to say, which I very much prefer to saying nothing.
For another, I am getting the feeling like Maggie's friends don't always respect her, minus two of the guys, and that is really upsetting to me. I am so super loyal that perhaps I am holding them to unattainable standards. But between the disregard for her request to keep her sister off the board and her roommate demanding that I not spend the night most weekends (even though she pays more rent than him, pays entirely for the internet they both use, pays for most of the food, etc), it just seems very disrespectful of her feelings.
A third is that it seems Amanda's boyfriend has done something shitty yet again. Like, part of me realizes that he is a really great guy and that Amanda is like me in that we can both overreact, so perhaps she is just overreacting? But at the same time, I feel like she probably isn't...she's a lot more stable than me and the stuff I have heard about from her has been rather crappy. Time will tell.
Fourth, I keep thinking I have exams when I don't. This leads me to studying like crazy, then showing up to class and being extremely disappointed. I mean, that means all of next week will look like this week did. BLEH.
Fifth is some of the crappy things people said when we were talking about dating violence in my Women and Crimes class. It's two days later, but it's still bugging me. It's weird too because one of my roommates said similar things just the day before (of the "god, if a guy ever hit me, i'd be out of there so fast" kind) and all I could do was busy myself with chores in the kitchen. Yeah, so no one has ever gone so far as to hit me in a relationship, but I have been raped and I went on more dates with him, I have been used for sex, I have been used to fill the self-esteem void in the case of Dorothy....and so....when people say those things, they are hurtful. Cuz it's not like I don't already feel bad enough about the mistakes I've made. And because it comes off as victim blaming because "obviously" I should have left these people....but honestly, it wasn't that easy. I was scared, I was hurting, I had little to no self-esteem....and I wish more people could be empathetic to that.
That said, I had a really good discussion with George. He's one of Maggie's friends who I feel like is very respectful of her feelings and he let me talk to him about the roommate situation and gave out some pretty damn good advice. On top of that, he's been helping in my journey to orgasm by offering suggestions of things to try. I finally told him about the rape and how that factors in....and he was so empathetic and just....he told me he didn't know what to say, which I very much prefer to saying nothing.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
I have scars....
My girlfriend is the best, seriously. She does what I wish most people would do with my scars - mostly ignore them. Thankfully, most of my scars are hidden by most clothing...I can wear most t-shirts without them showing. But Maggie sees me without clothing, with lights on...and she doesn't touch them funny, she doesn't look at them funny, she doesn't ask what they are from....she just treats me as a normal person without crazy burn and cut scars.
This morning I was having a nightmare. It wasn't directly about rape, but more of an indirect. No one was listening to me about this stupid stepmom that my dad was going to marry. Granted, my parents are still married in the real world, but it was so very frustrating and I started doing more and more crazy things to get people to listen to me. I was hitting someone in the dream when I realized....I was doing it in real life; I was hitting Maggie. I started sobbing and even though I had semi-realized what I was doing....I couldn't stop hitting her. And then I didn't want to talk about it because what crazy girl has a dream where no one is listening to her pain that makes her wake up sobbing and hitting? Me apparently.
This morning I was having a nightmare. It wasn't directly about rape, but more of an indirect. No one was listening to me about this stupid stepmom that my dad was going to marry. Granted, my parents are still married in the real world, but it was so very frustrating and I started doing more and more crazy things to get people to listen to me. I was hitting someone in the dream when I realized....I was doing it in real life; I was hitting Maggie. I started sobbing and even though I had semi-realized what I was doing....I couldn't stop hitting her. And then I didn't want to talk about it because what crazy girl has a dream where no one is listening to her pain that makes her wake up sobbing and hitting? Me apparently.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I have a costume....
Actually, I got it last year for my best friend's boyfriend's party that did not go over well. See, I drank and got stoned and then had a major panic attack and was hallucinating.
It's ironic because while I can drink 1-2 alcoholic drinks and be fine, once I get into 3 or more, I become a crying, sobbing, depressed mess. But that night, probably because of getting stoned, I had drank 4+ drinks.
Okay, wait....so I just saw a commercial for this:
Holy crap the site makes it look demonic, but the commercial made me want one! XDDDD
Anyway, I think the only reason I could get 4+ drinks in me without becoming a depressed mess was cuz I was stoned. But then because I was stoned, I had the anxiety problems LOL.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I have a vibrator....
I had much fun buying it....unfortunately, I probably won't get to use it until tomorrow or Friday. MEH. Damn roommates anyway.
I have a problem....
I have never been able to orgasm.
Never did when I was younger...I mostly did it till I got tired or bored. It's not like I knew there was a specific "ending" that most people seek. Then when I went through my religious phase, it was all, "masturbation is a sin! I am a bad girl if I jill off!" and so while I would still masturbate, I felt very bad about it and that made it hard for me to do it for longer than a few minutes. Not to mention that I would always hump things because touching myself "down there" was "icky."
Even now that I'm in college and no longer a prick about sex and sexuality....I've had trouble not getting tired or bored. I did get a vibrator, but probably not a very good one (I got it from Spencer's).
And I know I have a lot of things working against me. I take Effexor (for depression) and Trazodone (technically an anti-depressant; I take it for anxiety and as a sleep aid)...both of course run the risk of lack of sex drive or inability to achieve orgasm. And if I forget to take my ADHD meds...well...the Ritalin does have the same possible side effects....but (and I wish I could find the link to the study but something has happened to the site/link I saved) there is a study out there that I read about how if ADHD goes untreated...the person may also lack the ability to achieve orgasm. It's such a paradox. And I do have some sexual trauma that I usually have to work against.
On top of all that, I have always shared a room with at least one roommate. Freshman year, there was Brit* (the stupid bitch I got blindly placed with) in our one room apartment. Sophomore year, there was Amanda**, one of my best friends...even though we had a three room apartment, we shared a bedroom, though she did go home on the weekends. Last year, I shared a room with Chris (he's like the lil brother I never had; when he does self-portraits on deviantart where I can see his pubic hair, I get squeamish) to keep my rent cheap. While he did go away some weekends, I was pretty much too depressed to even think about masturbating. This year, I share a two bedroom apartment with two girls and so I am sharing a room with one of them.
And, for the most part, I have not had good sexual partners. Dorothy was not so much interested in me as she was interested in not being alone. She fingered me once, but it didn't feel good. We sorta humped each other naked a lot, but while nice feeling, it was not GREAT or AWESOME. Then there was the rape, which hurt, hurt, and hurt some more. Then there was Shawn. He bit a lot and we didn't get very naked (I think we both got topless). And then there was Justin and Andy. I dated neither of them and were more "friends with benefits," and as such, I saw them during the same time period. Justin often got me naked and while I jerked him off more than a few times, he never got me off. Mostly because he would intimidate me into wearing things that he wanted and doing what he wanted and I was mostly like a real, live sex toy for him. Andy was the guy I lost my technical V-card to (as I don't count the rape as sex). When we first fooled around, he was all about MY pleasure and trying to get me off, though he was not successful in that endeavor. Then he gradually became all about HIS pleasure, plus he was a racist/sexist pig and so I got rid of him.
But my girlfriend, Maggie, as of recently? She's WONDERFUL. She turns me on and has gotten me so close to orgasm.
This past Sunday, I "won." I uh...made her cum before she was able to make me cum. Our relationship has always been very sexual, but neither of us had cum with one another and I had never made another woman cum, so I was trying very hard to make sure that I got her off. And then when I did get her off?
I whispered, "You know what the best girlfriend in the world would do?"
"Reciprocate?" she asked.
"No, she'd give you a full body massage," I replied.
And let me tell you, I give EXCELLENT and relaxing massages.
Yesterday, Maggie was trying super duper hard to make me orgasm. I was SOOOOOO close like...6 times. I told her she may just well figure out how to make me cum before I do, which I find hilarious.
And today, I am going out to an actual sex shop to buy a vibrator. This problem will be fixed, no doubt.
*All names have been changed
**As in, Amanda Seyfried b/c that's who she looks like :-)
Never did when I was younger...I mostly did it till I got tired or bored. It's not like I knew there was a specific "ending" that most people seek. Then when I went through my religious phase, it was all, "masturbation is a sin! I am a bad girl if I jill off!" and so while I would still masturbate, I felt very bad about it and that made it hard for me to do it for longer than a few minutes. Not to mention that I would always hump things because touching myself "down there" was "icky."
Even now that I'm in college and no longer a prick about sex and sexuality....I've had trouble not getting tired or bored. I did get a vibrator, but probably not a very good one (I got it from Spencer's).
And I know I have a lot of things working against me. I take Effexor (for depression) and Trazodone (technically an anti-depressant; I take it for anxiety and as a sleep aid)...both of course run the risk of lack of sex drive or inability to achieve orgasm. And if I forget to take my ADHD meds...well...the Ritalin does have the same possible side effects....but (and I wish I could find the link to the study but something has happened to the site/link I saved) there is a study out there that I read about how if ADHD goes untreated...the person may also lack the ability to achieve orgasm. It's such a paradox. And I do have some sexual trauma that I usually have to work against.
On top of all that, I have always shared a room with at least one roommate. Freshman year, there was Brit* (the stupid bitch I got blindly placed with) in our one room apartment. Sophomore year, there was Amanda**, one of my best friends...even though we had a three room apartment, we shared a bedroom, though she did go home on the weekends. Last year, I shared a room with Chris (he's like the lil brother I never had; when he does self-portraits on deviantart where I can see his pubic hair, I get squeamish) to keep my rent cheap. While he did go away some weekends, I was pretty much too depressed to even think about masturbating. This year, I share a two bedroom apartment with two girls and so I am sharing a room with one of them.
And, for the most part, I have not had good sexual partners. Dorothy was not so much interested in me as she was interested in not being alone. She fingered me once, but it didn't feel good. We sorta humped each other naked a lot, but while nice feeling, it was not GREAT or AWESOME. Then there was the rape, which hurt, hurt, and hurt some more. Then there was Shawn. He bit a lot and we didn't get very naked (I think we both got topless). And then there was Justin and Andy. I dated neither of them and were more "friends with benefits," and as such, I saw them during the same time period. Justin often got me naked and while I jerked him off more than a few times, he never got me off. Mostly because he would intimidate me into wearing things that he wanted and doing what he wanted and I was mostly like a real, live sex toy for him. Andy was the guy I lost my technical V-card to (as I don't count the rape as sex). When we first fooled around, he was all about MY pleasure and trying to get me off, though he was not successful in that endeavor. Then he gradually became all about HIS pleasure, plus he was a racist/sexist pig and so I got rid of him.
But my girlfriend, Maggie, as of recently? She's WONDERFUL. She turns me on and has gotten me so close to orgasm.
This past Sunday, I "won." I uh...made her cum before she was able to make me cum. Our relationship has always been very sexual, but neither of us had cum with one another and I had never made another woman cum, so I was trying very hard to make sure that I got her off. And then when I did get her off?
I whispered, "You know what the best girlfriend in the world would do?"
"Reciprocate?" she asked.
"No, she'd give you a full body massage," I replied.
And let me tell you, I give EXCELLENT and relaxing massages.
Yesterday, Maggie was trying super duper hard to make me orgasm. I was SOOOOOO close like...6 times. I told her she may just well figure out how to make me cum before I do, which I find hilarious.
And today, I am going out to an actual sex shop to buy a vibrator. This problem will be fixed, no doubt.
*All names have been changed
**As in, Amanda Seyfried b/c that's who she looks like :-)
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I have a history...
So where to start?
I don't remember most of my childhood. Anything before 5th grade is extremely fuzzy and disjointed and I definitely don't have any memories before 3rd grade. Most of what I know about that time is stuff that other people have told me. It doesn't surprise me though or make me worry much anymore. I do know that around 2nd grade I had concussion from ice skating; I fell backwards and hit my head on the ice. Plus, I've always had memory issues.
One of the few memories I have is around 3rd grade, when I figured out that pressing my "pee-pee" up against things felt good. Also, around this time, I have a memory of my best friend/neighbor getting me "saved".
Around 4-5th grade is a memory of my daddy yelling at me for making my mommy cry. Another memory is of how my best friend's conservative Baptist parents gave him the sex talk before me, so he taught me about sex using Barbie dolls.
I remember reading the sex ed book my parents gave me just before they gave us sex ed in 5th grade. I remember figuring out that what I had been doing was masturbation and that my parent's religion said it was bad. I also remember a section in the book that was like, "It is NORMAL to have same-sex crushes on teachers, etc. You are not gay," and being like, "Ooooooooooooooh, I guess I am straight then! Silly me thinking I was a homo."
Middle school sucked. First off, I've been depressed since 10....it runs big time in my mother's side of the family. Secondly, my family moved to a small rich town before I went into 7th grade and we were poor, so I got picked on big time. Thirdly, in 8th grade, my best guy friend/crush started molesting me. Fourth, soon after, I started self-harming.
High school went somewhat better. I had more friends, but there was still a lot of angst and crappy shit happening. I was sorta a religious prick at this point. And I still thought I was ugly, fat, and stupid.
College made things better. I finally got help for my depression (meds and therapy) and got diagnosed with ADHD. I loosened up a lot. I started liking my average sized body. I bought a vibrator. I came out as bisexual. I dated a girl. I got put on birth control. The girl and I broke up.
I was raped.
I dated two guys after that who were only using me because I wanted to be cared for. I stayed for four days in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts because I ran out of money for my medications.
This year, I got rid of people who were causing drama in my life. My moods evened out. I got a good job. I'm in school still. I have a girlfriend of one month (today!).
And that's all you need to know for now.
I don't remember most of my childhood. Anything before 5th grade is extremely fuzzy and disjointed and I definitely don't have any memories before 3rd grade. Most of what I know about that time is stuff that other people have told me. It doesn't surprise me though or make me worry much anymore. I do know that around 2nd grade I had concussion from ice skating; I fell backwards and hit my head on the ice. Plus, I've always had memory issues.
One of the few memories I have is around 3rd grade, when I figured out that pressing my "pee-pee" up against things felt good. Also, around this time, I have a memory of my best friend/neighbor getting me "saved".
Around 4-5th grade is a memory of my daddy yelling at me for making my mommy cry. Another memory is of how my best friend's conservative Baptist parents gave him the sex talk before me, so he taught me about sex using Barbie dolls.
I remember reading the sex ed book my parents gave me just before they gave us sex ed in 5th grade. I remember figuring out that what I had been doing was masturbation and that my parent's religion said it was bad. I also remember a section in the book that was like, "It is NORMAL to have same-sex crushes on teachers, etc. You are not gay," and being like, "Ooooooooooooooh, I guess I am straight then! Silly me thinking I was a homo."
Middle school sucked. First off, I've been depressed since 10....it runs big time in my mother's side of the family. Secondly, my family moved to a small rich town before I went into 7th grade and we were poor, so I got picked on big time. Thirdly, in 8th grade, my best guy friend/crush started molesting me. Fourth, soon after, I started self-harming.
High school went somewhat better. I had more friends, but there was still a lot of angst and crappy shit happening. I was sorta a religious prick at this point. And I still thought I was ugly, fat, and stupid.
College made things better. I finally got help for my depression (meds and therapy) and got diagnosed with ADHD. I loosened up a lot. I started liking my average sized body. I bought a vibrator. I came out as bisexual. I dated a girl. I got put on birth control. The girl and I broke up.
I was raped.
I dated two guys after that who were only using me because I wanted to be cared for. I stayed for four days in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts because I ran out of money for my medications.
This year, I got rid of people who were causing drama in my life. My moods evened out. I got a good job. I'm in school still. I have a girlfriend of one month (today!).
And that's all you need to know for now.
I have rules....
...and surely they will either change or I will add more as time goes on.
1) My blog, my rules.
2) I will always moderate comments. If I don't think your comment is relevant to the discussion or is not respectful, I will delete it. I am not naive and know how most female bloggers get attacked for speaking their mind. I do not expect that I will somehow be "special" and not receive horrible comments, even though I hope that people would be HUMAN enough not to try to tear me down or threaten me. Whine and complain all you like about me not allowing hateful comments - no one will ever see it except me and I will not care.
1) My blog, my rules.
2) I will always moderate comments. If I don't think your comment is relevant to the discussion or is not respectful, I will delete it. I am not naive and know how most female bloggers get attacked for speaking their mind. I do not expect that I will somehow be "special" and not receive horrible comments, even though I hope that people would be HUMAN enough not to try to tear me down or threaten me. Whine and complain all you like about me not allowing hateful comments - no one will ever see it except me and I will not care.
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