I have a history...

So where to start?

I don't remember most of my childhood. Anything before 5th grade is extremely fuzzy and disjointed and I definitely don't have any memories before 3rd grade. Most of what I know about that time is stuff that other people have told me. It doesn't surprise me though or make me worry much anymore. I do know that around 2nd grade I had concussion from ice skating; I fell backwards and hit my head on the ice. Plus, I've always had memory issues.

One of the few memories I have is around 3rd grade, when I figured out that pressing my "pee-pee" up against things felt good. Also, around this time, I have a memory of my best friend/neighbor getting me "saved".

Around 4-5th grade is a memory of my daddy yelling at me for making my mommy cry. Another memory is of how my best friend's conservative Baptist parents gave him the sex talk before me, so he taught me about sex using Barbie dolls.

I remember reading the sex ed book my parents gave me just before they gave us sex ed in 5th grade. I remember figuring out that what I had been doing was masturbation and that my parent's religion said it was bad. I also remember a section in the book that was like, "It is NORMAL to have same-sex crushes on teachers, etc. You are not gay," and being like, "Ooooooooooooooh, I guess I am straight then! Silly me thinking I was a homo."

Middle school sucked. First off, I've been depressed since 10....it runs big time in my mother's side of the family. Secondly, my family moved to a small rich town before I went into 7th grade and we were poor, so I got picked on big time. Thirdly, in 8th grade, my best guy friend/crush started molesting me. Fourth, soon after, I started self-harming.

High school went somewhat better. I had more friends, but there was still a lot of angst and crappy shit happening. I was sorta a religious prick at this point. And I still thought I was ugly, fat, and stupid.

College made things better. I finally got help for my depression (meds and therapy) and got diagnosed with ADHD. I loosened up a lot. I started liking my average sized body. I bought a vibrator. I came out as bisexual. I dated a girl. I got put on birth control. The girl and I broke up.

I was raped.

I dated two guys after that who were only using me because I wanted to be cared for. I stayed for four days in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts because I ran out of money for my medications.

This year, I got rid of people who were causing drama in my life. My moods evened out. I got a good job. I'm in school still. I have a girlfriend of one month (today!).

And that's all you need to know for now.