My girlfriend is the best, seriously. She does what I wish most people would do with my scars - mostly ignore them. Thankfully, most of my scars are hidden by most clothing...I can wear most t-shirts without them showing. But Maggie sees me without clothing, with lights on...and she doesn't touch them funny, she doesn't look at them funny, she doesn't ask what they are from....she just treats me as a normal person without crazy burn and cut scars.
This morning I was having a nightmare. It wasn't directly about rape, but more of an indirect. No one was listening to me about this stupid stepmom that my dad was going to marry. Granted, my parents are still married in the real world, but it was so very frustrating and I started doing more and more crazy things to get people to listen to me. I was hitting someone in the dream when I realized....I was doing it in real life; I was hitting Maggie. I started sobbing and even though I had semi-realized what I was doing....I couldn't stop hitting her. And then I didn't want to talk about it because what crazy girl has a dream where no one is listening to her pain that makes her wake up sobbing and hitting? Me apparently.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I have a costume....
Actually, I got it last year for my best friend's boyfriend's party that did not go over well. See, I drank and got stoned and then had a major panic attack and was hallucinating.
It's ironic because while I can drink 1-2 alcoholic drinks and be fine, once I get into 3 or more, I become a crying, sobbing, depressed mess. But that night, probably because of getting stoned, I had drank 4+ drinks.
Okay, wait....so I just saw a commercial for this:
Holy crap the site makes it look demonic, but the commercial made me want one! XDDDD
Anyway, I think the only reason I could get 4+ drinks in me without becoming a depressed mess was cuz I was stoned. But then because I was stoned, I had the anxiety problems LOL.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I have a vibrator....
I had much fun buying it....unfortunately, I probably won't get to use it until tomorrow or Friday. MEH. Damn roommates anyway.
I have a problem....
I have never been able to orgasm.
Never did when I was younger...I mostly did it till I got tired or bored. It's not like I knew there was a specific "ending" that most people seek. Then when I went through my religious phase, it was all, "masturbation is a sin! I am a bad girl if I jill off!" and so while I would still masturbate, I felt very bad about it and that made it hard for me to do it for longer than a few minutes. Not to mention that I would always hump things because touching myself "down there" was "icky."
Even now that I'm in college and no longer a prick about sex and sexuality....I've had trouble not getting tired or bored. I did get a vibrator, but probably not a very good one (I got it from Spencer's).
And I know I have a lot of things working against me. I take Effexor (for depression) and Trazodone (technically an anti-depressant; I take it for anxiety and as a sleep aid)...both of course run the risk of lack of sex drive or inability to achieve orgasm. And if I forget to take my ADHD meds...well...the Ritalin does have the same possible side effects....but (and I wish I could find the link to the study but something has happened to the site/link I saved) there is a study out there that I read about how if ADHD goes untreated...the person may also lack the ability to achieve orgasm. It's such a paradox. And I do have some sexual trauma that I usually have to work against.
On top of all that, I have always shared a room with at least one roommate. Freshman year, there was Brit* (the stupid bitch I got blindly placed with) in our one room apartment. Sophomore year, there was Amanda**, one of my best friends...even though we had a three room apartment, we shared a bedroom, though she did go home on the weekends. Last year, I shared a room with Chris (he's like the lil brother I never had; when he does self-portraits on deviantart where I can see his pubic hair, I get squeamish) to keep my rent cheap. While he did go away some weekends, I was pretty much too depressed to even think about masturbating. This year, I share a two bedroom apartment with two girls and so I am sharing a room with one of them.
And, for the most part, I have not had good sexual partners. Dorothy was not so much interested in me as she was interested in not being alone. She fingered me once, but it didn't feel good. We sorta humped each other naked a lot, but while nice feeling, it was not GREAT or AWESOME. Then there was the rape, which hurt, hurt, and hurt some more. Then there was Shawn. He bit a lot and we didn't get very naked (I think we both got topless). And then there was Justin and Andy. I dated neither of them and were more "friends with benefits," and as such, I saw them during the same time period. Justin often got me naked and while I jerked him off more than a few times, he never got me off. Mostly because he would intimidate me into wearing things that he wanted and doing what he wanted and I was mostly like a real, live sex toy for him. Andy was the guy I lost my technical V-card to (as I don't count the rape as sex). When we first fooled around, he was all about MY pleasure and trying to get me off, though he was not successful in that endeavor. Then he gradually became all about HIS pleasure, plus he was a racist/sexist pig and so I got rid of him.
But my girlfriend, Maggie, as of recently? She's WONDERFUL. She turns me on and has gotten me so close to orgasm.
This past Sunday, I "won." I uh...made her cum before she was able to make me cum. Our relationship has always been very sexual, but neither of us had cum with one another and I had never made another woman cum, so I was trying very hard to make sure that I got her off. And then when I did get her off?
I whispered, "You know what the best girlfriend in the world would do?"
"Reciprocate?" she asked.
"No, she'd give you a full body massage," I replied.
And let me tell you, I give EXCELLENT and relaxing massages.
Yesterday, Maggie was trying super duper hard to make me orgasm. I was SOOOOOO close like...6 times. I told her she may just well figure out how to make me cum before I do, which I find hilarious.
And today, I am going out to an actual sex shop to buy a vibrator. This problem will be fixed, no doubt.
*All names have been changed
**As in, Amanda Seyfried b/c that's who she looks like :-)
Never did when I was younger...I mostly did it till I got tired or bored. It's not like I knew there was a specific "ending" that most people seek. Then when I went through my religious phase, it was all, "masturbation is a sin! I am a bad girl if I jill off!" and so while I would still masturbate, I felt very bad about it and that made it hard for me to do it for longer than a few minutes. Not to mention that I would always hump things because touching myself "down there" was "icky."
Even now that I'm in college and no longer a prick about sex and sexuality....I've had trouble not getting tired or bored. I did get a vibrator, but probably not a very good one (I got it from Spencer's).
And I know I have a lot of things working against me. I take Effexor (for depression) and Trazodone (technically an anti-depressant; I take it for anxiety and as a sleep aid)...both of course run the risk of lack of sex drive or inability to achieve orgasm. And if I forget to take my ADHD meds...well...the Ritalin does have the same possible side effects....but (and I wish I could find the link to the study but something has happened to the site/link I saved) there is a study out there that I read about how if ADHD goes untreated...the person may also lack the ability to achieve orgasm. It's such a paradox. And I do have some sexual trauma that I usually have to work against.
On top of all that, I have always shared a room with at least one roommate. Freshman year, there was Brit* (the stupid bitch I got blindly placed with) in our one room apartment. Sophomore year, there was Amanda**, one of my best friends...even though we had a three room apartment, we shared a bedroom, though she did go home on the weekends. Last year, I shared a room with Chris (he's like the lil brother I never had; when he does self-portraits on deviantart where I can see his pubic hair, I get squeamish) to keep my rent cheap. While he did go away some weekends, I was pretty much too depressed to even think about masturbating. This year, I share a two bedroom apartment with two girls and so I am sharing a room with one of them.
And, for the most part, I have not had good sexual partners. Dorothy was not so much interested in me as she was interested in not being alone. She fingered me once, but it didn't feel good. We sorta humped each other naked a lot, but while nice feeling, it was not GREAT or AWESOME. Then there was the rape, which hurt, hurt, and hurt some more. Then there was Shawn. He bit a lot and we didn't get very naked (I think we both got topless). And then there was Justin and Andy. I dated neither of them and were more "friends with benefits," and as such, I saw them during the same time period. Justin often got me naked and while I jerked him off more than a few times, he never got me off. Mostly because he would intimidate me into wearing things that he wanted and doing what he wanted and I was mostly like a real, live sex toy for him. Andy was the guy I lost my technical V-card to (as I don't count the rape as sex). When we first fooled around, he was all about MY pleasure and trying to get me off, though he was not successful in that endeavor. Then he gradually became all about HIS pleasure, plus he was a racist/sexist pig and so I got rid of him.
But my girlfriend, Maggie, as of recently? She's WONDERFUL. She turns me on and has gotten me so close to orgasm.
This past Sunday, I "won." I uh...made her cum before she was able to make me cum. Our relationship has always been very sexual, but neither of us had cum with one another and I had never made another woman cum, so I was trying very hard to make sure that I got her off. And then when I did get her off?
I whispered, "You know what the best girlfriend in the world would do?"
"Reciprocate?" she asked.
"No, she'd give you a full body massage," I replied.
And let me tell you, I give EXCELLENT and relaxing massages.
Yesterday, Maggie was trying super duper hard to make me orgasm. I was SOOOOOO close like...6 times. I told her she may just well figure out how to make me cum before I do, which I find hilarious.
And today, I am going out to an actual sex shop to buy a vibrator. This problem will be fixed, no doubt.
*All names have been changed
**As in, Amanda Seyfried b/c that's who she looks like :-)
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I have a history...
So where to start?
I don't remember most of my childhood. Anything before 5th grade is extremely fuzzy and disjointed and I definitely don't have any memories before 3rd grade. Most of what I know about that time is stuff that other people have told me. It doesn't surprise me though or make me worry much anymore. I do know that around 2nd grade I had concussion from ice skating; I fell backwards and hit my head on the ice. Plus, I've always had memory issues.
One of the few memories I have is around 3rd grade, when I figured out that pressing my "pee-pee" up against things felt good. Also, around this time, I have a memory of my best friend/neighbor getting me "saved".
Around 4-5th grade is a memory of my daddy yelling at me for making my mommy cry. Another memory is of how my best friend's conservative Baptist parents gave him the sex talk before me, so he taught me about sex using Barbie dolls.
I remember reading the sex ed book my parents gave me just before they gave us sex ed in 5th grade. I remember figuring out that what I had been doing was masturbation and that my parent's religion said it was bad. I also remember a section in the book that was like, "It is NORMAL to have same-sex crushes on teachers, etc. You are not gay," and being like, "Ooooooooooooooh, I guess I am straight then! Silly me thinking I was a homo."
Middle school sucked. First off, I've been depressed since 10....it runs big time in my mother's side of the family. Secondly, my family moved to a small rich town before I went into 7th grade and we were poor, so I got picked on big time. Thirdly, in 8th grade, my best guy friend/crush started molesting me. Fourth, soon after, I started self-harming.
High school went somewhat better. I had more friends, but there was still a lot of angst and crappy shit happening. I was sorta a religious prick at this point. And I still thought I was ugly, fat, and stupid.
College made things better. I finally got help for my depression (meds and therapy) and got diagnosed with ADHD. I loosened up a lot. I started liking my average sized body. I bought a vibrator. I came out as bisexual. I dated a girl. I got put on birth control. The girl and I broke up.
I was raped.
I dated two guys after that who were only using me because I wanted to be cared for. I stayed for four days in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts because I ran out of money for my medications.
This year, I got rid of people who were causing drama in my life. My moods evened out. I got a good job. I'm in school still. I have a girlfriend of one month (today!).
And that's all you need to know for now.
I don't remember most of my childhood. Anything before 5th grade is extremely fuzzy and disjointed and I definitely don't have any memories before 3rd grade. Most of what I know about that time is stuff that other people have told me. It doesn't surprise me though or make me worry much anymore. I do know that around 2nd grade I had concussion from ice skating; I fell backwards and hit my head on the ice. Plus, I've always had memory issues.
One of the few memories I have is around 3rd grade, when I figured out that pressing my "pee-pee" up against things felt good. Also, around this time, I have a memory of my best friend/neighbor getting me "saved".
Around 4-5th grade is a memory of my daddy yelling at me for making my mommy cry. Another memory is of how my best friend's conservative Baptist parents gave him the sex talk before me, so he taught me about sex using Barbie dolls.
I remember reading the sex ed book my parents gave me just before they gave us sex ed in 5th grade. I remember figuring out that what I had been doing was masturbation and that my parent's religion said it was bad. I also remember a section in the book that was like, "It is NORMAL to have same-sex crushes on teachers, etc. You are not gay," and being like, "Ooooooooooooooh, I guess I am straight then! Silly me thinking I was a homo."
Middle school sucked. First off, I've been depressed since 10....it runs big time in my mother's side of the family. Secondly, my family moved to a small rich town before I went into 7th grade and we were poor, so I got picked on big time. Thirdly, in 8th grade, my best guy friend/crush started molesting me. Fourth, soon after, I started self-harming.
High school went somewhat better. I had more friends, but there was still a lot of angst and crappy shit happening. I was sorta a religious prick at this point. And I still thought I was ugly, fat, and stupid.
College made things better. I finally got help for my depression (meds and therapy) and got diagnosed with ADHD. I loosened up a lot. I started liking my average sized body. I bought a vibrator. I came out as bisexual. I dated a girl. I got put on birth control. The girl and I broke up.
I was raped.
I dated two guys after that who were only using me because I wanted to be cared for. I stayed for four days in a mental hospital for suicidal thoughts because I ran out of money for my medications.
This year, I got rid of people who were causing drama in my life. My moods evened out. I got a good job. I'm in school still. I have a girlfriend of one month (today!).
And that's all you need to know for now.
I have rules....
...and surely they will either change or I will add more as time goes on.
1) My blog, my rules.
2) I will always moderate comments. If I don't think your comment is relevant to the discussion or is not respectful, I will delete it. I am not naive and know how most female bloggers get attacked for speaking their mind. I do not expect that I will somehow be "special" and not receive horrible comments, even though I hope that people would be HUMAN enough not to try to tear me down or threaten me. Whine and complain all you like about me not allowing hateful comments - no one will ever see it except me and I will not care.
1) My blog, my rules.
2) I will always moderate comments. If I don't think your comment is relevant to the discussion or is not respectful, I will delete it. I am not naive and know how most female bloggers get attacked for speaking their mind. I do not expect that I will somehow be "special" and not receive horrible comments, even though I hope that people would be HUMAN enough not to try to tear me down or threaten me. Whine and complain all you like about me not allowing hateful comments - no one will ever see it except me and I will not care.
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