I have a problem....

I have never been able to orgasm.

Never did when I was younger...I mostly did it till I got tired or bored. It's not like I knew there was a specific "ending" that most people seek. Then when I went through my religious phase, it was all, "masturbation is a sin! I am a bad girl if I jill off!" and so while I would still masturbate, I felt very bad about it and that made it hard for me to do it for longer than a few minutes. Not to mention that I would always hump things because touching myself "down there" was "icky."

Even now that I'm in college and no longer a prick about sex and sexuality....I've had trouble not getting tired or bored. I did get a vibrator, but probably not a very good one (I got it from Spencer's).

And I know I have a lot of things working against me. I take Effexor (for depression) and Trazodone (technically an anti-depressant; I take it for anxiety and as a sleep aid)...both of course run the risk of lack of sex drive or inability to achieve orgasm. And if I forget to take my ADHD meds...well...the Ritalin does have the same possible side effects....but (and I wish I could find the link to the study but something has happened to the site/link I saved) there is a study out there that I read about how if ADHD goes untreated...the person may also lack the ability to achieve orgasm. It's such a paradox. And I do have some sexual trauma that I usually have to work against.

On top of all that, I have always shared a room with at least one roommate. Freshman year, there was Brit* (the stupid bitch I got blindly placed with) in our one room apartment. Sophomore year, there was Amanda**, one of my best friends...even though we had a three room apartment, we shared a bedroom, though she did go home on the weekends. Last year, I shared a room with Chris (he's like the lil brother I never had; when he does self-portraits on deviantart where I can see his pubic hair, I get squeamish) to keep my rent cheap. While he did go away some weekends, I was pretty much too depressed to even think about masturbating. This year, I share a two bedroom apartment with two girls and so I am sharing a room with one of them.

And, for the most part, I have not had good sexual partners. Dorothy was not so much interested in me as she was interested in not being alone. She fingered me once, but it didn't feel good. We sorta humped each other naked a lot, but while nice feeling, it was not GREAT or AWESOME. Then there was the rape, which hurt, hurt, and hurt some more. Then there was Shawn. He bit a lot and we didn't get very naked (I think we both got topless). And then there was Justin and Andy. I dated neither of them and were more "friends with benefits," and as such, I saw them during the same time period. Justin often got me naked and while I jerked him off more than a few times, he never got me off. Mostly because he would intimidate me into wearing things that he wanted and doing what he wanted and I was mostly like a real, live sex toy for him. Andy was the guy I lost my technical V-card to (as I don't count the rape as sex). When we first fooled around, he was all about MY pleasure and trying to get me off, though he was not successful in that endeavor. Then he gradually became all about HIS pleasure, plus he was a racist/sexist pig and so I got rid of him.

But my girlfriend, Maggie, as of recently? She's WONDERFUL. She turns me on and has gotten me so close to orgasm.

This past Sunday, I "won." I uh...made her cum before she was able to make me cum. Our relationship has always been very sexual, but neither of us had cum with one another and I had never made another woman cum, so I was trying very hard to make sure that I got her off. And then when I did get her off?

I whispered, "You know what the best girlfriend in the world would do?"
"Reciprocate?" she asked.
"No, she'd give you a full body massage," I replied.

And let me tell you, I give EXCELLENT and relaxing massages.

Yesterday, Maggie was trying super duper hard to make me orgasm. I was SOOOOOO close like...6 times. I told her she may just well figure out how to make me cum before I do, which I find hilarious.

And today, I am going out to an actual sex shop to buy a vibrator. This problem will be fixed, no doubt.



*All names have been changed
**As in, Amanda Seyfried b/c that's who she looks like :-)